Medication – My story

Ok, I promised I would tell a little bit more about myself especially when it comes to medication. I hope I can make this entertaining and worthy of reading.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II at 18. I’m currently 23, so I only have 5 years of the medication trial and error process under my belt. Looking back, I had this disorder early in childhood. My mom used to take me to doctors and counselors because I was depressed, anxious, couldn’t sleep etc… One of them that sticks out more than others was not being able to sleep. I would lay in bed for hours and not sleep. My mom didn’t know what to do with me. I was put on sleep medications and my body would somehow still be awake! Now I realize that I was probably manic. That would have been so nice to know then.

The other thing that stands out was how irritable and frustrated I got. Being a little kid I had no clue what was going on. I just knew that I got angry fast and it had to come out. That got me into trouble a lot. Again, looking back it was most likely due to my disorder. I was either manic or having mood swings that I wasn’t able to handle.

Bipolar never popped into my mind as a teen but depression did. My primary care doctor gave me different anti-depressants. Not being able to stand the side effects she referred me to a physiatrist. At my first appointment I had to relate months worth of experiences. She came to the conclusion that I was Bipolar II. That shocked me but it made all the puzzle peices fit. That’s when my official medication trial and error process started.

After many tries I finally found an antidepressant that not only works but that I can also function on. Since the day I was diagnosed I’ve gotten married, moved and have had a couple different jobs. That’s thrown off having insurance at times which has made my process a lot slower. What I currently need is a mood stabilizer that I can stand and possibly something to supplement my antidepressant.

In 5 years I haven’t given up yet. Surviving the headaches, increased/decreased sleep, zombie like feeling etc of medications is enough to make you want to quit. But when you find the one that actually helps and gives you glimpes of normal that’s when you realize it’s all worth it.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that glimpes of normal might be all I’ll get. I have been completely refined due to having this disorder. I look at the upside, depression makes you stronger and hypomania makes you brilliant.


13 responses to “Medication – My story

  • ManicMuses

    Oh yeah, the side effects! And the years wasted on antidepressants that actually make us worse. Not fun. But, as you say, stick with it! When you and your doc arrive at the right cocktail it is so worth it. Life is so good when the balance is found. How are you doing right now?

    • acrazybeautifulmind

      I’m doing ok. I’ve went back to school so I’m without insurance. I’m at a standstill at the moment. The med cocktail I’m on now helps me function but its lacking. I’m working on getting it changed soon tho!

  • lunasunshine

    I love how you shared your story. Many people with Bipolar have fascinating stories to tell regarding their road to diagnosis, the journey thereafter, and the challenges they still face.

    I’m glad to hear that others had to suffer the rounds of antidepressants before the doctors realized that it didn’t work. That is the worst of it. I was worse too. I would be flying into sleepless manic episodes for a couple of months and then plummet into a severe depressive one. Up the dosage, here we go all over again. But they saw it as needing more medication because it wasn’t working at lower dosages. I hate how Bipolar II is almost always mistaken as Major Depression Disorder. It makes the challenge of diagnosis long, drawn out, and awfully painful for the patient.

    I’m glad to hear your childhood story too. I just recently figured out that I was symptomatic as a child, and it was kind of by accident. I was researching signs and symptoms of Bipolar Disorder in children, mainly so I could head it off in my son. (They say that Bipolar is highly genetic). And poof! The symptoms for me started ringing true! I’ve always had a problem regulating my sleeping and waking cycles. I got a mark from a teacher that once said, “Does not handle constructive criticism well”. I was always sensitive, irritable, and highly reactive. I was diagnosed pretty young, so it was hard for me to remember what life was like without Bipolar. And then I realized, there was no life without it. I was born this way.

    Medication is good, and it is bad at the same time. A person can feel so great when they finally feel like they’ve found the right cocktail. And then, things change. And then there are the adjustments. Personally, although I would only consider myself mostly functioning but still symptomatic, I’d rather face the occasional episode, no matter how bad, then face terrible side effects from another medication that may, or may not work. Sometimes the devil you don’t know is worse than the devil you do.

    Great post!

    • acrazybeautifulmind

      Thanks for reading again! Did you ever determine if your son has the disorder.

      • lunasunshine

        My son is too young to definitely say yet. He’s only going to be 3 in October. But he did get the diagnosis of Pervasive Development Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified. The doctors think that he displays some Autism Spectrum Disorder symptoms, but has too high of a social functioning to be considered to have Autism or Aspergers. I knew it was coming, but it was still crushing.

        I’ve had since Tuesday to wrap my brain around this. My adult brother has autism. My MIL says my husband acted just like my son at that age. So it’s probably a combination of the two. I’ve talked to two of my son’s therapists that come to the house, and both agree that this is likely a diagnosis that he’ll grow out of. That is, with some specialized therapy and preschool.

        I love him still. He’s still my little baby (although he’s a little boy now). And he’s still the same little person he was before Tuesday.

        But it figures. He comes from a long lineage of people with various dysfunctions. I’m glad we know now. Because instead of when I was young, we can treat it aggressively and he can grow into a functional child and adult.

  • Natalie


    I really relate to your blogs. I will subscribe. I was diagnosed at the the age of 12 wsith bipolar disorder and also suffered with anxiety and eating disorder and addiction. I am 26 years old now and it’s been a rough road as you are aware. Winters are tough for me…

    Check out my website if you can. I would love for you to subscribe to my blog.

    Stay strong!

    Sincerely natalie

  • The Sleepy Porn Star

    hi. thanks for dropping by my blog. this is all new to me—being tagged as manic-depressive, so i am still waiting for it to really settle in. i’m a bit hesitant about the medication part although on the other hand, i’m also curious what changes might come (with the drugs).

    • acrazybeautifulmind

      Thanks for reading my blog. Just educate yourself a lot in you’ll be fine. I keep reading about my disorder and it help me tremendously and blogging about it has helped irs like therapy. Just hang in there!

  • getting2old

    I had more depression in my teen years. I had hypomania that was pretty well controlled as just creativity. They put me on anti-depressants which sent me into more depression. I was diagnosed as depressed when I was 16. It wasn’t until I was 21 that I was diagnosed as BP2.
    I love your blog and that you are so open. You are helping a lot of people and yourself. Thank you!

  • This Week In Mentalists- The I Want A Public Holiday Too Edition « This Week in Mentalists

    […] tells of her history with medication: I was diagnosed with Bipolar II at 18. I’m currently 23, so I only have 5 years of the […]

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